


Not Your Own

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [22]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 12:18:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14188809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Filler-y stuff for You Are Not Your Own





	Not Your Own

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :)
> 
> This is all from Alec's POV; I tried writing some from Magnus' but it felt too claustrophobic with him stuck in Valentine. I might come back to his POV at some point if I can. Also, really not comfortable with the whole torture of Valentine/Magnus thing and Alec's part in it. I've rewritten those parts over a few times just trying to understand it - and I guess justify it to myself. I hope it makes some kind of sense!

It's _not_ because he's helped Izzy. Alec is not taking out the fact that he wasn't able to help her when this Sebastian could on _Sebastian_ ; it's because he's shown up out of nowhere and waltzed into the Institute as though he has the right to get involved.

Alec's been here before. They all have; no one can argue that Clary's arrival didn't cause maximum upheaval, and okay, perhaps he's getting used to Clary, but to let yet another stranger in without a single word of protest seems too much to him.

Besides, he thinks, as he walks away and tries not to be winded for Izzy's insinuation, Magnus is the better choice for tracking a demon. If he's rested well enough, of course. Alec is smiling into the phone as he calls him, ready to be soothed a little for hearing Magnus' voice, assuming for how many rings it takes him to answer that Magnus must still be asleep.

"Hey, Alec."

"Hey, look, I know you had a rough night, but, um… I need your help tracking Azazel."

There is a pause that leaves Alec frowning, sensing that something is wrong.

"I wish I could help, but I'm busy with a client," Magnus replies, his tone clipped and exactly the opposite of what Alec had been expecting.

"Are you okay?" he asks. "You sound strange."

"I had a rough night. Look, I need to get back to my client. If you need a warlock, call Dorothea," Magnus adds, leaving Alec even more surprised, since he's sure he's only ever heard Magnus refer to her as _Dot_.

And that Magnus hangs up on him without another word makes him worry a little. The spell with Azazel yesterday might have taken too much out of him. What if it's affected his magic, and he's having difficulty, but is too stubborn to ask for help—or even just a little support?

Alec needs to check on him, he decides, and if he's honest could do with a few moments away from the Institute. That Magnus' door is locked when he arrives at his apartment is another surprise.

"Magnus. You there?" he calls out, and there are a few more seconds of worrying for Alec as Magnus takes his time to open the door.

"Hello," Magnus says, not looking pleased to see him at all.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. Why?"

His voice really _is_ off, Alec thinks, uncomfortable that they're talking over the doorway, when that's never really a thing they've done. "It was just… you were acting strange on the phone just now. Terse."

"I'm busy," Magnus replies, though closes the door behind him, so Alec has to think he can't be too busy to stop to talk.

"Right," he says, walking away from him, "it's just, uh… you've never refused to help me when I need it, and I just… Magnus, what's wrong?"

He doesn't mean it like that either; he doesn't expect Magnus to come running the second he asks, but the bluntness of his words is stirring something unsettling in Alec's gut. Magnus opens his mouth to speak but doesn't say anything, and it just adds another layer to Alec's worry.

"Hey," Alec says, reaching out to cup his face, "talk to me."

Magnus flinching away from his touch sets off further alarm bells, and Alec doesn't know what to do. But before he can add anything else, perhaps hug him like he intends trying, Magnus is thrown across the floor as though he weighs nothing, with Azazel appearing behind him, glaring him down.

"Did I not tell you to get rid of him?" Azazel says, which throws Alec again. Though it's not enough to stop him from instinctively retrieving his bow.

"Alec, don't," Magnus calls out.

Alec turns just enough to reassure him, but it's a second too long, and Azazel is blasting him backward, leaving Alec's having to take aim mid-air. He targets exactly where Sebastian suggested, falling to the floor and watching Azazel snarl before being engulfed in a series of smoke and lights then disappearing, leaving nothing but a pile of sand.

"No, no, no," Magnus cries out in anguish, on his hands and knees and snatching up a handful of the sand.

"Are you okay?" Alec asks as he rushes across the room and sinks back down to join him.

"Fine," Magnus replies, looking dazedly at his hands.

"Why'd you tell me to stop?" Alec asks, holding on to Magnus to keep him upright since he looks like he might topple forwards.

Magnus pauses again, frowning and shaking his head a little. "I was afraid something terrible would happen. Something that couldn't be undone."

He looks devastated, Alec thinks, pulling him into a hug.

"Hey, you okay?" he asks, as soft as he can make his voice, worry seeping through him when Magnus is too stunned to hug him back.

"Fine," Magnus says again, pulling away from him and slowly rising to his feet. "I need to get back to my client."

"Your client?"

"She's in the other room," Magnus says, waving his fingers vaguely behind him and turning without saying another word.

Alec watches him leave for a moment not knowing what else to do, but doesn't want to disturb Magnus at work. He stands himself when it's obvious Magnus isn't coming back,  sends him a brief message asking that he calls him when he's free, and returns to the Institute feeling uncomfortable in his own skin, for being certain that something is _wrong_.

* * *

Valentine screaming out and saying that he is _Magnus_ is not what Alec wanted to come back to the Institute to see, but as he watches him on the security camera, he knows he's going to have to stop him. There's enough half-finished thoughts already whirring around his mind, and Alec doesn't think he can deal with anymore added to it right now.

"That's enough," he says as he pins Valentine to the wall of his cell, watching the way his eyes dart over his face repeatedly.

"Alexander," Valentine says clutching on to him in obvious relief, "thank god you're here. You have to listen to me."

"No. You listen to me. This sick game of yours is over."

"It's not a game," Valentine says with tears in his eyes; something Alec hadn't ever expected to see from him. "I know it sounds crazy, but I'm not Valentine. I am Magnus. Azazel switched us with a curse. _Unum ad unum_."

"You're insane," Alec tells him, shoving him a little.

Valentine reaches for him, clutches him on the arm just where Magnus often does, and it throws Alec for a second even as he's pushing him back.

"You gave me that omamori charm that I carry with me every day. It was after our night in Tokyo," he adds in a blast of words, and Alec has to let go of him, pushing him back against the wall out of arm's reach. "We were at the Palace Hotel. And we kissed on the terrace. And then you—"

"Stop. _Stop_ ," Alec calls out, because there is no way that anyone but Magnus would know that. He can't let Valentine taint a memory that is so good.

"And then you took me in—"

"How do you know these things?" Alec demands.

"Because," Valentine says, his voice breaking in anguish and his lip trembling hard, "it's me, Alexander. The day of Valentine's massacre, you told me that you loved me. So if you love me, please… _please_ , you have to believe me."

Alec stands there, hearing all these words, things that no one but Magnus should know, but he can't believe it, he can't. This is  _Valentine_. This wouldn't be the first time he tried to trick them all.

Valentine reaches for him again. "Alexander—"

Alec shoves him back against the wall, hand up to tell him not to come forward, or perhaps to stop himself from believing a single word.

"Stop…" he manages to stammer out, and he has to get out of here, now, away from this cell where Valentine's playing with his mind.

"Alexander," Valentine says, heartbroken and full of tears, but Alec can't hear it, already slamming the door behind him.

* * *

Alec steps out the elevator, relieved to see Jace coming towards him, needing a familiar face and someone he can confide in for what he's just heard.

"Jace, we need to talk," he says once they've greeted each other.

"Yeah," Jace agrees, "heard you banished Azazel. Congratulations."

"Yeah," Alec says faintly, that particular incident seeming days ago now already. "Um, this is gonna sound crazy. I was just with Valentine, and he says that he's Magnus. That Azazel switched them with some kind of a demonic curse."

"What?" Jace says with a disbelieving smile.

"I know. It's hard to believe. But it's just, he knew things that only Magnus could know. Like, intimate details."

It's enough to stop Jace dismissing it altogether, making him frown a little before he speaks again. "Okay. Well, he could have had a warlock steal your memories."

"No. No, that's not possible. I would have noticed," Alec replies, adding a, _when_ , and _how_ to his answer that he doesn't say out loud.

"Okay," Jace says as he looks around them, "well—"

Some Shadowhunters come towards them, and Jace grabs him and turns them away out of earshot.

"Just remember, that this is Valentine. He's always ten steps ahead of us. He's always planning his next move."

Alec nods, because he needs to hear more of this, needs convincing that the impossible hasn't happened, and more than anything needs to be reassured.

"Alec, just trust me. You don't wanna fall for his lies."

It's not enough, there is still doubt in him, too many small things screaming for attention yet not quite connecting together to make a cohesive thought. Alec nods anyway, listens to Jace talking about his training session with Clary in front of the Inquisitor, though his mind is constantly going back to Magnus, so he barely hears a single word.

* * *

"Inquisitor Herondale," Alec calls out, catching her just about to step into the elevator, "I heard you put a request in for Valentine's execution."

It's why he's here, why he's seeking her out. Valentine needs to  _go_ , but his words about Magnus are still fresh in his mind, and it's making him overthink everything enough to bring on a headache.

"Unfortunately, the Clave has denied that request," she replies, quiet fury in her voice, "but they don't understand. Valentine will never tell us where the Mortal Cup is."

Alec doesn't like the look on her face, doesn't particularly trust her to not to do something deceitful; not after the incident with Izzy and the Cup in the past.

"It's time to take matters into my own hands," she adds, and if that doesn't set off alarm bells for Alec. He follows her into the elevator, not really sure what he's doing here, or what he will do if she lashes out. What else could she do to him, Alec thinks, knowing she's been using the Agony rune on him for hours. It's barbaric, and something he would never use himself, but Valentine is not his prisoner.  _She_ is the Inquisitor. Alec can only follow orders and stand back and watch what is being done.

"You're gonna execute Valentine right here in the Institute?" Alec asks as they step back out, realizing what she's intending and his blood running cold for it. That she could even consider doing something like that by herself goes beyond any justification Alec can come up with, but he follows her half in a daze, convinced she's only going to threaten Valentine with execution to get him to talk.

"I disabled the security system," she adds.

Alec winces at the reminder of Jace saying similar not all that long ago, knowing they are just as guilty of not following orders as the Inquisitor is being. Still, this feels like a whole lot bigger than attempting a summoning. And if she's only planning on  _scaring_ Valentine, well; surely disabling the security system is a step too far?

"That's not protocol—"

"Mr. Lightwood, either help or go. The choice is yours."

Alec knows they need to deal with Valentine, also knows this isn't the way, but the Inquisitor is ruthless, and he's not sure what to do. He debates calling someone but doesn't know who, and also doesn't trust her enough to leave her alone. So Alec follows her to the cell and holds the door open for her; passive, observing, still not deciding on what he's going to do about this. And again he's hit by the reminder of them dragging Valentine from his cell for that summoning, so chides himself for not really being any better.

Valentine is perched on the bed and looks terrified as they walked in, and once again his mannerisms throw him; Alec always assumed he'd be more defiant.

"Put him in the chair," the Inquisitor demands, and Alec does what he always does instinctively; follows orders on autopilot without question.

"Alexander," Valentine says, "what's happening?"

No one calls him Alexander but Magnus, Alec thinks, and it stops him in his tracks.

"Now," the Inquisitor tells him.

Alec stares back at Valentine, still unsure of what to do. But Valentine must see the moment he makes his decision to at least follow this part of her direction, for the way he tearfully blasts out a, _no_.

"No, no, no, please. Please don't do this," Valentine pleads as Alec picks him up under his armpits and drags him to his feet. "Don't do this. Please. Don't do this."

Alec tells himself not to listen, Jace's warning playing on repeat for him as he pushes Valentine into the chair.

"Gag him," the Inquisitor tells him. Alec half-wants to tell her that if she wants to go through with this, she should do it herself. But he's still convincing himself she's really going to go through with this, hopes she's trying to terrify Valentine into telling the truth about the Mortal Cup.

"Alexander," Valentine says, "what are you doing? Please don't—"

The gag is a good idea, Alec thinks, stops Valentine trying to poison his mind. It drowns the volume of it out, a little, anyway.

When the Inquisitor starts talking about her son, the idea that she wants revenge, that this is  _person_ _al_ to her, hits Alec hard. He's dazed, but not enough to turn away from Valentine's final plea to him. Yet he can't get over the idea that summoning Azazel was in part a personal thing for _him_ , to get  _Izzy_ back; even if it was well-intended. Even if they've now banished Azazel and prevented further Mundane killings; there's still a part of him that can't let go of all he's been party to. Though Alec has already, mostly, convinced himself the Inquisitor really is just trying to _scare_ Valentine, intent on charging back in and stopping whatever she thinks she's going to do if it looks like things might get out of hand.

 _Surely she won't actually kill him_ , Alec thinks to himself, with the reminder that although she is ruthless, there is no way she would stray _this_ far outside of the law, not by taking a _life_ ; even one as horrible as Valentine's. She won't go through with it, Alec repeats to himself, then wondering if he'd be this concerned if Valentine hadn't got to him about Magnus.

Alec intends to stand on the other side of the glass and watch on the off chance the Inquisitor _does_ think she can do this. But then Magnus appears, and Jace; at least, an image of them does, and Alec stomach drops in fear.

"Alec," Jace says, "I'm so sorry. You were right. They switched."

Alec can't get back in the cell fast enough. His heart almost beats out of his chest to find the Inquisitor already poised with a blade that she must have concealed somewhere for him not to have seen it. He puts himself between the two of them before she can even move any closer, breathing hard and gripping Magnus' shoulder so tight it's got to hurt. 

"Stop, stop stop! No stop, it's not Valentine," he manages to bark out, scared he won't get his words out quick enough either. He should have  _known_ , he curses at himself, he knew something was off with Magnus earlier, has been thinking it all day. He should have  _known_. He should have  _listened_.

Alec widens his clasp on Valentine— _Magnus_ ' shoulder, and holds on tighter still. He doesn't let go of the Inquisitor's hand holding on to the seraph blade until she turns away, distracted by what Valentine is telling her.

Alec watches, already removing Magnus' gag, holding on to the back of his neck as Magnus gasps and trembles in relief. And now Alec doesn't know what to do; his instinct tells him to hold Magnus, to wrap him up in his arms and act as a belated shield to all that has happened. But he doesn't _look_ like Magnus, and the terror on his face suggests he wouldn't respond too well if he tried. Instead, Alec keeps a hand resting loose on the back of Magnus' neck, hoping to reassure him with that limited touch if he can't in any other way.

* * *

There is a ward up preventing him getting to Magnus. He's standing outside Magnus' apartment door watching Clary fail and fail again to get them in. And Sebastian is here, Alec realizes, belatedly, having come here in a daze and only just noticing. He's too harsh with Clary. Even Alec thinks he's never been quite so harsh as Sebastian is being, although, he thinks immediately, he knows that he has. But if this gets them through this ward and he can get to Magnus…

 _Please_ , Alec thinks, not really sure what he's asking.

When Clary breaks the ward down and they charge through the door, even after everything he's just been through, Magnus is still trying to fight Valentine. But he's so exhausted that he's slipping to the floor as Clary is throwing herself at Valentine to get him through the portal, and Alec doesn't have time to catch him before he hears a thud.

"Magnus," he says, sinking to the ground and wrapping his arms around him, hating that he doesn't hug him back.

"I'll… leave you to it," Sebastian says, leaving before Alec can even look up at him.

"Magnus—"

Magnus shakes his head hard and just sits there, and Alec doesn't know what to do.

Alec holds him in silence, monitoring the tremble slowly leaving his body and his breathing returning to normal, holding him close but not too tight. When Magnus wrenches from his grasp and stands on shaky limbs Alec jumps up to join him, holding his hands out but not touching him in case it's currently uninvited.

"I need a minute," Magnus says, not looking at him at all before he walks away. Alec watches as he disappears into his bedroom and wonders if he wants to get changed, to remove himself of the layer that Valentine was wearing.

Not knowing what he can do to help, Alec walks across the room to pick up a trash can, tidies up the jars and bottles that are scattered everywhere and returning them to the places he's sure they belong. Once he's done that he sinks to his knee, beginning to pick up all the larger shards of glass. He knows where the dustpan and brush is, but he doesn't want to stray too far from Magnus.

Magnus walks out just as Alec considers going to check on him, walking past him without even looking at him and heading towards the couch. Alec closes his eyes, so unsure of what he's supposed to be doing that it takes him a moment to stand and follow him over.

"Magnus, I am so sorry," he says, "for everything you had to go through."

Alec knows it's not nearly enough. That Agony rune shouldn't even be legal even if there are people like Valentine that need to be interrogated. But that it's been used on  _Magnus_ leaves Alec feeling sick, and cold, and wary of the Clave like he's not sure he ever has been before.

Magnus is lost in his own thoughts. "That Agony rune," he says, his voice distracted, and monotone, sounding nothing like Magnus at all. "It made me relive memories I've spent… centuries trying to forget."

 _What do I do_ , Alec asks himself, because he doesn't even know where to start. He sits down with a sigh, debating all kinds of words and knowing not one of them is going to be enough. "Magnus, tell me how to fix this."

Magnus closes his eyes and swallows with difficulty, not even making eye contact.

"Just tell me what to do, please."

Finally, Magnus looks at him, but his expression is so lost, and his gaze so empty, that Magnus doesn't seem to be able to talk at all. He shakes his head, as though to say he doesn't know how to fix this. Doesn't know how to tell  _Alec_ to fix this. Perhaps he doesn't even want him to try.

 _How can he even look at me after what I almost let happen_ , Alec asks himself, closing his eyes and unable to rid himself of the image of Magnus strapped in that chair—that he strapped him in that last time, when it could have been Magnus' very last time for everything. And all the torture he's been through, all the fear he must have felt, all the pain of Alec not believing him; Alec has no idea how they're going to get through this, wouldn't be surprised if Magnus asked him to leave. Wouldn't blame him in the slightest, in fact.

Maybe that's for the best. Just because he wants to be here with Magnus doesn't mean he's going to be of any help. Maybe Magnus needs some time alone, by himself, _being_ himself, needs some distance from everything that makes reminds him of the Clave and the Institute—including Alec.

"Magnus," Alec says softly, pleading with his voice not to break because this is not about _him_ , this is about _Magnus_ , and whatever Magnus needs he's going to give him, however hard that might be. "Magnus; do you need me to leave?"

"No," Magnus says immediately, snapping his head around to face him, eyes wide in alarm, "no, Alec. Please. Not yet."

Magnus' hand shakes at it clasps hard to Alec's thigh, and Alec takes that as a sign that contact might be something that he needs. Carefully, and slowly, so he doesn't rush him, Alec raises his arm to wrap around Magnus, keeping his eyes on Magnus so he knows his intentions and can stop him if he needs to.

When his hand is around Magnus' shoulder and he hasn't flinched away, Alec gently pulls him closer, until Magnus drops his head against him and lets out a little blasted sigh. And then he doesn't move; Alec sits perfectly still, not planning on moving until Magnus shows him what he needs. He'll sit here all day if he needs him to; there is nothing else that he's going to do besides be here for Magnus, try to give him all that he needs.

Alec's phone buzzes after perhaps ten, or fifteen minutes, and Magnus flinches away from him in alarm at the sound. Alec closes his eyes, pulls the phone from his pocket and switches it off without even looking, throwing it to the end of the couch. Magnus follows the gesture, his eyes finally turning to settle on him.

"Alec—"

"You're more important. You're more important to me than anything," Alec tells him, hesitantly reaching out and slotting their fingers together, and when Magnus doesn't pull away, circling his thumb over the back of his hand.

"I don't… blame you," Magnus stutters out, his lip trembling as he tries to look at him.

"I wouldn't blame you if you did. I can't imagine what it must be like to see the person you love look at you and not recognise you at all," Alec replies.  _Please still love me_ , he adds, selfishly and foolishly to himself, telling himself this is not the time.

"It was… awful," Magnus punches out after a few seconds of staring back at him, tears first budding in the corners of his eyes then spilling over his cheeks.

Alec takes a breath, hoping he's not overstepping his mark as he reaches out to pull Magnus closer to him, cradling the back of his head as he tucks Magnus into his neck. Magnus' hands raise slowly, but when he reaches for Alec grips on tight, trembling so hard it frightens him, and all Alec can do is hold on just as tight.

"I'm here. I'm here, Magnus," he says, pressing kisses wherever he can get to, his stomach rolling repeatedly for the onslaught of Magnus' tears.

**Author's Note:**

> ...nope, still not 100% okay with this. I'll have to do another episode-related filler here to work this out!


End file.
